Christopher Columbus dig-up: Who doesn’t love to be exhumed for DNA analysis?

WEB DESK: Researchers might have been running out of topics to research, for it recently came to light that humanity’s finest minds are on to the next biggest discovery: exhuming Christopher Columbus, the man who ‘discovered’ the Americas.

Armed with nothing but the most basic of ‘scientific’ tool – a shovel – the scientists got to work. They collected DNA samples that might finally answer the most burning question about our universe: what was Christopher Columbus’ ethnicity!

Was he Italian, French, Spaniard or a lettuce? The world is waiting with bated breaths for such a great mystery of ages.

Don’t fret, dear reader! Your patience will be duly rewarded, for the answer will be revealed today!

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The controversial explorer was born in Genoa, Italy in the 15^th century (1451). He set sail for an alternative route towards India and the Spice Islands in 1492, convinced that he could find a good shortcut to bypass the Ottoman Empire.

He did not find a shortcut to India but he did stumble upon something the entire Old World did not know: an entire landmass already inhabited by humanity for thousands of years.

The European explorer first stepped foot on the Caribbean Islands, forever changing the course of history – and helping in decimating thousands of cultures that would go extinct, along with millions that would perish following his ‘discovery’ of an already inhabited landmass.

While he is often celebrated as a great explorer, the truth is less than rosy. The reality of his voyage is like a Kim Kardahsian reality show: too much exaggeration, a kernel of truth.

His expedition would kick off a brutal era of colonisation by European powers, in which many inhabitants of the New World would be enslaved, killed by coming in contact with diseases the settlers brought, among other factors.

When he landed in Bahamas, Columbus and his crew were greeted by the Taino people. Things would quickly go south for the poor welcoming group, as Columbus enslaved many Taino and forced them into hard labour.

He would subject them to all sort of brutal treatment, as his relentless obsession for gold led to the destruction of entire communities.

According to experts, Columbus’ greed led to the original inhabitants of the Americas facing violence, disease, and more after his expedition ended.

While originally celebrated, contemporary take on the controversial traveler has seen his legacy reexamined.

Where initially many have viewed him as an adventurous, brave traveler, other see him as the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse-mashed-into-one for the inhabitants of the Americas. The question of whether he should be celebrated or condemned remains a contentious topic.

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While our esteemed researchers’ sift through the explorer’s remains, the most pressing question has everyone around the world on edge of their seats. Everyone from Tokyo to Benin to São Paulo do not care about a cure for cancer but what ethnicity our dearest Christopher belonged to.

Will it reveal his love for pasta or will it show his ancestry as colourful as rainbow?

Who knew digging up the past—literally—could answer such a long-awaited mystery!